Experiment: Martha Stewart's No-Churn Vanilla (& Cheesecake) Ice Cream

Let me start out by saying that I am a huge Martha Stewart fan. I have a perfectionist streak that admires the work she puts into everything she sets her mind to.  Is she the cuddliest woman? No. But, the woman is undoubtedly a force. She created an empire, went to prison, and re-asserted herself in a place of power.  You might not want to have a beer with her (in a tasteful beer stein from a vintage cottage in the Black Forest), but there is no reason not to respect her. Also, she has a kick-ass pancake recipe that will make you curse the day you set eyes on pancake mix.
 

I have had this pillow for years.  You have no idea how many times the answer is Rochambeau.

That's why this pains me so much: I didn't like this recipe. 

Now, I will admit there is a good chance I screwed it up.  I don't have the best luck with no-churn, frozen, dairy-based treats.  When Sarah Carey demonstrates the no-churn ice cream the outcome looks perfect.

The less said about my spumoni the better.

But, there are only three (with an optional fourth) ingredients in it!  I made a vanilla flavored; and, because I think cream cheese is a gift from the heavens, I also made a cheesecake flavored. Let's recap and see where I could have gone wrong.

No-Churn Vanilla Ice Cream
Ingredients

• 1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 2 tablespoons bourbon (optional)
• 2 cups cold heavy cream

 *For the cream cheese I used an 8 ounce pack of cream cheese.  Yes, I see the folly of that now, but all my greedy little heart could think of was cheesecake flavored ice cream with little strawberries playfully delighting my taste buds.  Sigh.*

1.  In a medium bowl, stir together condensed milk, vanilla, and Bourbon, if desired.
    *Okay.  This part was easy peasy (Spell check says that's not a word.  Spell check needs to chillax.  Hm. Apparently, also not a word.).  I put in half the can and 1 teaspoonful of vanilla into each bowl.  Which already makes that much cream cheese a big mistake, but the vanilla should still be on track.*
   
   
   
   
   In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat cream on high until stiff peaks form, 3 minutes.
    *Easily done for the vanilla flavored.  For the cheesecake I whipped the cream cheese first till it was nice and fluffy.  Then I add the heavy cream.  So far everything tastes delicious.
   
   
   
   
   Quick tip: I wiped out my mixing bowl with vinegar before I started whipping the cream in case there were any oils left in the bowl.  Obviously, I also dried it before I started mixing.*
   
   
   
2. With a rubber spatula, gently fold whipped cream into condensed milk mixture. Pour into a 4 1/2-by-8 1/2-inch loaf pan. Freeze until firm, 6 hours. 
   
   
   

I did all of that!  Before I put it in the freezer everything tasted great.  The vanilla reminded me of Blue Bell (The Best Ice Cream In The Country) Vanilla, and the cheesecake was begging for fresh fruit.  I walked away, confident that we would be eating delicious ice cream in a few hours.  My husband was thrilled at the prospect that I might stop blatantly begging for an ice cream maker.  We were both fools.

With the cheesecake I'm pretty sure that there was too much cream cheese in the mixture.  The ratios were way off and there wouldn't have been enough heavy cream to keep the cream cheese from seizing up.  With the vanilla I'm not sure what went wrong.  The "ice cream" had a chalky mouthfeel and doesn't melt in the creamy way that ice cream does.  It looks like ice cream, but the texture keeps reminding me that it isn't.  My husband says it similar to the difference between real milk and rice milk.  The consistency just wasn't right.
But, that is the nature of experimentation.  Some things work (such as chocolate and caramel) and some things do not (no one is ever going to convince me that Red Bull and anything taste great together).